A Series of Unfortunate Events
Since we’ve moved into our house we haven’t finished any of the projects that were left by the contractor. It’s not that we don’t have time… it’s that we’re lazy. The decorative piece of wood on the privacy wall between the toilet and the bathtub in our master bath hasn’t been permanently secured. It’s just sitting there. Freddy, our cat, has taken to peeing in the bathtub as a pastime. Hoping to break his habit, we keep the bathtub filled with cold water. Guin, our puppy, lumbers into the bathroom every morning and tries to eat the stuff in our bathroom garbage. Consequently we have moved the bathroom garbage to on top of the privacy wall between the toilet and the bathtub.
Can you see where this is going?
Last night, Matt and I were getting ready for bed. Freddy dashed around the corner, jumped up onto the bathtub, made a leap for the privacy wall, missed by and inch, grabbed at the piece of wood with his blindly flailing arms and sent the very full bathroom garbage flying into the bathtub which was full of very cold water.
There’s nothing quite like fishing for wet tissues and Qtips at midnight.
Hindsight = 20/20
This past November my husband was traveling a lot. Corning Inc. was shipping him to their Kentucky plant 1-2 times a month. I don’t get bored easily, but I do get lonely coming home from work to an empty house. I told my husband that I wanted a cat. I figured a cat would be a good first pet for us. They’re easy and you can still have a really flexible schedule. Matt told me that we should wait to get a pet. I was like… wait for what?
Mid-December I bugged him so much about getting a cat that he gave in. I used my Christmas bonus to get a kitten from the Chemung County SPCA. As soon as I saw Freddy, a black and gray medium haired kitten, I loved him. We adopted him, and he’s great, completely insane, but great. The first time Matt took him to the vet, he wiggled out of his arms, jumped into the sink and peed (the vet said she’d never seen anything like it). He’s cute enough that we actually don’t get mad at him when he pounces on our faces at 3am, or tries to nurse on our earlobes.
For my birthday this year my husband told me he was planning a surprise activity and to keep that day open. If you know me, you know that surprises drive me insane. I usually try to figure them out, and if I do, it totally doesn’t ruin it for me. I just get more excited. Matt then dropped hints that we might be going ice fishing. Nonchalantly one evening he said “Tell me the truth, have you figured out what we’re doing on your birthday?” and I was like “Ice Fishing?” He just smiled and I assumed I had figured it out. As the date grew closer I kept checking the weather. The forecast showed that the high on my birthday would be about 10 degrees. I finally told Matt and I just didn’t feel like freezing my butt off on my birthday. He said “Well… I still want to take a trip up to that way. It’s a pretty drive and we can stop at the cheese factory in Cuba.” I have to admit, my attitude really sucked that morning. He was rushing me to get ready and I kept wondering why the heck my husband would think it was a good idea to take me to a cheese factory on my birthday?
I sat in the car for two hours, reading my book in silence. Sneaking a dirty look at Matt from time to time. We pulled in at a farm. I looked up at the barn and it said Hatch Valley Farm on the side. I knew that name, somehow, but I couldn’t place where I had heard it. I was completely confused. Matt turned to me and said “Do you know where we are?” Then it hit me. Just that week I had just googled the phone number of a dog breeder we had met with back in September and all I had turned up was “Hatch Valley Farm” and an address. I was trying hard not to cry because I have the sweetest husband in the world, and I am the biggest jerk in the world. He took me inside to meet Guin the Old English Sheepdog, the cutest puppy I have ever seen.
After the shock of him putting one over on me wore off I realized that Guin was born the week after I talked my husband into letting me get Freddy. I turned to him and said “You already had this planned when I begged for Freddy, didn’t you?” He grinned and said “I’ve been planning this for four months.” Ugh, I am such an idiot. I always screw up my husband’s greatest surprises. (One time we both bought Coldplay tickets to surprise the other.)
Anyway, I am blessed. My Matty is thoughtful, loving, and kind to me when I’m a complete jerk. Hopefully Frederick and Guinevere become great friends.
Craig’s List Ad
This has since been deleted by the author, but it was definitely a real craig’s list ad.
NINJA HAULER: 2005 Nissan Xterra – $12900
OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o’clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.
It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn’t meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that’s what your Prius is for. If that’s the kind of car you’re looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.
This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn’t even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don’t get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn’t let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don’t even know what the hell On Star is).
No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It’s got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you’re operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you’re being chased by Libyan terrorists, you’ll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It’s saved my bacon more than once.
It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There’s a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.
My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I’ll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don’t walk up and tell me you’ll give me $5,000 for it. That’s liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let’s just say you won’t be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.
There’s only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.
Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it’s a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I’ll get back to you. And when I do, we’ll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.
To sweeten the deal a little, I’m throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can’t fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants.
Rock on.
stuff i like || #13 || Christmas Tree Hunting
We got our first real Christmas tree last weekend. Little did I know that there’s a Towner tradition of looking at every single tree before choosing the perfect one. Luckily I dressed very warm. We had a great time.
Don’t worry about Pablo, the artificial tree. He’s reserved a place for himself in our dining room. Matt told me that we can’t name our real tree, since he won’t be with us for very long. He doesn’t want me to get attached.
stuff i like || #12 continuted ||
It turns out that Howard the Bathroom Spider was not dancing for us. He was making a sack to put his eggs in. After some quick research, I am pretty sure that Howard is a yellow sack spider. (He’s really yellow. I did a quick auto levels on the photo below, which made him look red.) Needless to say, Howard is getting squished this evening.
stuff i love || #2 || Thanksgiving
I love thanksgiving. It is by far my favorite holiday. When I lived at home we had so many great traditions. We ate hors de oeuvres all day and watched movies (Avalon, Planes, Trains & Automobiles, Hannah & Her Sisters) until our extended family showed up for the big meal. This year we had our first Thanksgiving at our home with Matt’s family.
Mom was right, all of those people that complain about making Thanksgiving dinner are morons. I thought it was fun and pretty easy.
stuff i like || #12 || Howard the bathroom spider
This is Howard the Bathroom Spider. He has lived in our master bath ever since we moved in. I have no idea how long spiders live, but Howard’s been around for two months now. He comes out from behind our mirrors to greet us every morning. He danced for us while we were in the shower this morning. I dread the day when Howard is gone.
stuff i love || #1 || my husband
I have the most wonderful husband ever. I’m still not quite sure how I bagged him. In the past week my husband has: (without being asked)
1. Vacuumed the entire house & swept the stairs
2. Made me breakfast multiple mornings (with hot tea – he even put in extra milk so that I could drink it quickly before going out the door)
3. Searched through a 2 week old trash bag for some mini reindeer that I bought and accidentally threw out
4. Prepared the steaks for company tonight (which I had totally forgotten about)
All that’s on top of his daily stuff that he has to do – like keeping the wood stove going. I don’t know what he’s on lately, but I really, really like it.
PS: As of this morning we officially own our house. Whoohoo!
mini horses
I had a dream last night. My mom and I were driving down the highway… and I swerved around 3 mini horses in the middle of the road.
Mom: “Were those mini horses?!?!”
Me: “I think so…”
Mom: “We’d better go pick them up.”
Me: “Ok.”
So we stopped, and I opened up the door to the backseat and all the horses jumped in.
Where the heck do these dreams come from?
